a surrendered life

 I want to grow up. I don't want to stay ignorant of the deeper truths of God's word, but I want-- as the writer of Hebrews urges me-- to move from the elementary principles and eat the meat of the word. This  longing gnaws at me, as another, equally powerful desire holds me back. The war within my flesh. I don't pretend to understand how I can possess two opposing and equally powerful desires at once. The contradiction of this is stagnating, almost crippling. I want to grow, but I don't want to be uncomfortable. I want to live for Christ with total abandon of myself, but what does this mean for my future? Fear overwhelms, and I shrink back. Lord, show me how to live, really live for you.