a surrendered life

I became my body. Nothing like a postpartum struggle to upend mental stability. After having my son in 2021, I went through the deep waters of anxiety and depression. My crises point came when I became my body. My mind was consumed with trying to fight insomnia, not wanting to eat, and problems with hypertension caused by deep anxiety. I focused on how to feel better and all my time was devoted to what medication/ vitamin/ exercise would cure me. Mind, body, spirit-- in terms of wellness is all connected. Sure. But after this trial I caution you about the trend that's taking a materialistic extreme. It's a subtle shift among believers to suggest that since the spirit is in the body it's of  the body. Truth is if Christ's spirit indwells you, if the Father and the Son have made their home with you, then your spirit is from above. I am in the world, but I am not of the world. In the same way, I am in my body but not of it. (This is only true for the believer, an unbeliev...

  No fair. Woe is me. I didn’t deserve that. My cries of self pity are just as painful as the situation that caused them. They double the pain and invite hopelessness to settle in, just when I need hope most. But I’m learning a profound truth— in Christ I am never a victim and suffering always has a deeper purpose, growing my faith and helping me to be conformed to His image. This is one reason the Lord calls me to lay down my life, to take up my cross and follow Him. Doing this, laying down my life, guards my heart against self pity. Now when some trial happens to me, no matter how weighty, I can say like Christ, “no one takes my life from me, but I lay it down (John 10:18).” How better to reflect His image?  Lord, thank you for Your example of laying down your life. Help me to remember that when I follow this example, I am no longer a victim to anything or anyone. Amen. 

 I want to grow up. I don't want to stay ignorant of the deeper truths of God's word, but I want-- as the writer of Hebrews urges me-- to move from the elementary principles and eat the meat of the word. This  longing gnaws at me, as another, equally powerful desire holds me back. The war within my flesh. I don't pretend to understand how I can possess two opposing and equally powerful desires at once. The contradiction of this is stagnating, almost crippling. I want to grow, but I don't want to be uncomfortable. I want to live for Christ with total abandon of myself, but what does this mean for my future? Fear overwhelms, and I shrink back. Lord, show me how to live, really live for you. 

L ike it or hate it, masks and other protective measures are here to stay, at least for the foreseeable future. I’ve felt a “stuck in the middle'' attitude towards them with deeply opinionated friends on both sides. Through this I’ve found that there’s thoughtful information and well-meaning believers on both sides of the Covid response. When we take an “us versus them” mentality on such superficial issues, we are divided and inadvertently mask the Gospel-- dear reader, this shouldn’t happen! When we focus on all of the litany of rules and regulations, we're ignoring a burgeoning truth pulsing under the Covid crisis. The gospel doesn't have to be masked! There's no sign saying "No Gospel allowed" (yet!). When Paul was in prison he wrote a letter speaking of rejoicing because even though he was in chains, the gospel was not chained, the word of God was not chained. Now, the entire world fraught with a disease-- or fraught with the response to this disease-...

If you’re like me, you grew up expecting to spend ninety percent of your time working outside your home. Home has always been a simple retreat of sorts. Or it was. But now, as the world takes a furlough, perhaps you find yourself needing to make home work. Ten years ago this was me, after having my first child and becoming a stay-at-home mom. I’ve learned several principles over the years that I hope will help you adjust to a new normal. First, let’s clarify that making home work is not working from home--though that can be part of it-- it’s much broader. It involves seeing home as your work, from laundry to cooking there’s some level of organization. Then within that larger structure you have kids to teach, pets to care for, or outside work to accomplish. Where to start? Set an alarm. Plan the night before what time you’re going to wake up and set an alarm. This seems silly-- you don’t have to go anywhere, right?-- but it’s crucial to be intentional about your day. Eve...

Throughout the scriptures we see this principle emerging--r emember.  Remember what he's done. Why? Because it's so easy to let the wind and waves, the storms of life, press in and cause us to forget. Too often I'm so busy in the dailiness of life that I forget His provision. Remembering that His grace is sufficient infuses hope into every new trial. Remembering offers a perspective that transcends time and space. Remembering strengthens our faith, proves His word in our lives, and makes us a walking testimony of Him. Christ is the word made flesh-- we are His gospel made flesh; living, walking, breathing reminders to the world that there is redemption. ...remember that at that time you were separate from Christ...  Ephesians 2:12 Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth... Ecc 12:1 Remember those earlier days after you had received the light Hebrews... 10:32 Remember the word that I said to you... John 15:20 I'm pausing to reflect on my spiritual...

"So long self, well it's been fun but I have found Somebody else. So long self, there's just no room for two, so you are gonna have to have to move..."* These lyrics are so true. I can't form an alliance between my selfish nature and Christ's nature formed in me-- no, but this is the beauty of the gospel, how He changes me from inside out. Self battles for control of my mind, my heart, my will... perhaps this why the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and strength. I'm born into the world loving Self instead. Being born again in Christ means that now there's another nature in me that loves Him and wants to please Him. "But though You're love is in me, it doesn't always win me, when competing with my sin."* How I wish this wasn't true! I wish at the moment of conversion I lived for Him-- every thought, every action. But if that happened, then I wouldn't need Him, I wouldn't dep...

Ok God, I've got it from here. So often, after deep times of refreshing in His word, this is my sentiment. That was great, I'm good for today, or -- to my shame -- I'm good for the week. How wrong I am! Not even a few hours later and I'm back in some dark valley opposed on all sides with no weapon. How true the hymn states I need thee every hour...  every minute, every second. Really, is there ever a time when I don't need Him? Lord forbid I should think so. There's never a point when I can say I've got this, never a moment that I don't need the sustaining grace of Christ. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.  I recognize how truly dependent and weak I am. In moments of incredible victory it's tempting to think I've accomplished it on my own, in some mysterious act of self will. But no, it's God who works in me. I need Him for life, not just pick-me-ups. My spirit needs Him like my body needs air. No breath, no life. However, daily respon...

Often we think freedom is being unshackled to do whatever we want. This is the greatest bondage though. Only in Christ can we be free from doing whatever self desires. To will against oneself is utterly impossible unless the Spirit of God is birthed in us. And when this happens, the war begins. The Spirit against the flesh, the flesh against the spirit-- before the Spirit entered it was simply self reigning. Now there's an adversary to my selfish desires who can conquer me as I can not. Oh praise the Lord for Him, who makes freedom possible, though not comfortable or easy, lest we think we no longer need Him. This breaking of self feels at times as though ripped apart within, tortured between desire and will. Yet the best freedom is within reach-- the abundant life that Christ offers. Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Me. Oh if I only lived this way always! To live against selfish desires is to truly love-- only think of it, how much you could serve, how much you co...

Nothing lasts forever, right? Well, nothing earthbound anyway. Of course God is forever. And so is the human soul. But circumstances, life experiences-- good and bad-- are all momentary. We read that   "the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever" (1 John 2:17). But sometimes we feel like we're in a forever moment. No matter how much life moves around us, a specific circumstance may feel like it will never change. These forever moments can be good or bad. I remember getting married the feelings of joy and contentment that immediately followed that I felt wouldn't change. Or when I graduated college, or after having my first child. These moments of joy I wanted to last forever. But hardships come and with them bad forever moments. Like arguments, difficult pregnancies, unemployment, and lost friendships. The longer I live the more I find my forever moments are difficult. I love the line in Laura Story's song ...

After eating a couple bags of potato chips, sure I'm thirsty. I'll grab a cold soda or juice and feel fine. But after running a mile in ninety-degree weather, I'm thirsty with a capital T . Nothing can quench this thirst like water-- pure, clear water. And that's all I want.  Exercise makes us crave water like little else. In the same way, we need to exercise our spirits to crave the pure water of the Word of God. The flip side of this is also true-- avoid anything that makes us crave earthly things. In other words, don't taste what you don't want to crave. Staying thirsty for the Lord means a constant quenching in His word. There is something oddly satisfying in the mere craving for Christ. Even in desiring Him, I find some fulfillment, as John says "purified even as he is pure (1 John 3:3)." It's so different than the desire for anything else, which in itself breeds only dissatisfaction and unrest. When this desire for Christ is que...

Never dive into a muddy pond, they say. You can’t see the bottom. This is true in philosophy as well. “ Don't let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.” (Colossians 2:8).

Have you ever thought something awesome was about to happen-- only to find out it wasn't? I have. Through the ups and downs of life, there is one hope that emerges above and beyond all others: the hope in Christ. Most of us know this intellectually. I can't count the times I've given my homeschooling, my home-searching, my organizational issues to Him, like "please take it, Lord!!!" But it often works its way back into my lap. The mistake I've made is to think the "hope of Christ" means He's going to work out my issues, or at least the top three-- here's hoping. No, this is more wishful thinking. His goal is not to make me some super homeschooling, organizational wizard with a nice house. (Then I'd probably get distracted at how awesome I am.) Nope, the hope of Christ is more stable than that. This means even though I am weak and incapable of being all that I need to be, HE IS ABLE to live through me. Amen, right? Now, what does that ...

Separating our body from our spirit makes living out spiritual truths impossible. This problem stems from a misconception: our spirit has little to do with our daily, earth-bound life. Sure, my spirituality will help me in heaven, but this isn't heaven. Practically, how do spiritual truths apply to the here and now? All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. Ephesians 1:3 Every spiritual blessing in Christ should impact our daily grind.  Here are three practical applications: 1. Contentment. If I live in light of this reality, despite my hectic schedule and lack of material wealth, I can be content. 2. Gratitude. It's hard to complain when I'm thankful for what Christ’s done. 3. Faith not fear. The Lord's blessed me, who can curse me? Ponder this: what are other practical ways we can live out this reality? My prayer: Lord, help me to ...

While reading through the old testament with my kids, the Lord convicted me with the story of Achan in Joshua 7. He disobeyed the Lord and kept some treasure from Jericho. When Joshua sent men to fight Ai, a small city, they were brutally defeated. Joshua knew this meant the Lord wasn't with them, and he exposed Achan's sin. The lesson for us? We cannot have victory over even small struggles in our life if we have unconfessed sin. May the Lord give us sensitivity to His Spirit, and may we allow His light to expose every area in our hearts.

Teaching my children is rewarding. My older two kids sit with folded hands awaiting instruction, while my preschooler and seventeen-month-old share Legos happily on the floor. "She's taking the red lego- it's mine!" A wail from the preschooler.  Like I was saying, it's rewarding. I give my first grader his math packet, and detail our review section. He smiles and can't wait to start. "This is too long, Mommy." A moan from the first-grader. Ok...welcome to the real world. Teaching my kids isn't easy, but it's worth it. Rewarding doesn't mean they like their work- or even each other half the time- but it does mean we learn together as a family and we're growing together.  I'm letting go and allowing the Lord to teach my children through me. This means surrendering of my curriculum plans, constant prayer, and filling my mind with God's word. Not only do I have peace, but I have purpose. And I'm enjoyin...

If the Experimenters know, then the glitch is closed. An ancient man trudged the narrow road, muttering to himself. The journey was pointless at best, foolish at worst. Still, Orian walked. The sun warmed his back, making the sloping descent pleasant. As it rose high over the flat horizon, he saw the familiar shape of a black orb in the distance. The dark metal sphere marred the deserted land, and- for the first time since he left at sun’s rising- Orian hesitated.  The darkness he’d lived in for so long- that he alone escaped as a young man- would consume him once more. Unless I overcome it. The thought was enough to make him take a few steps back. But there were people living in the orb- still breathing, eating, sleeping, and dying- in darkness. He had found what the Experimenters hid, what they in their schemes neglected: an exit. He walked back toward the sphere, one step, then another, his long, twisted stick assisting his aged frame through the rough patches. Half...